MSNBC - Mass. lawmakers reject same-sex compromise
BOSTON - The Massachusetts Legislature narrowly rejected a compromise proposal Wednesday that sought to legalize civil unions but ban same-sex marriages, delivering a setback to lawmakers who wanted to avoid taking the divisive issue head-on.

The defeat of the compromise means that lawmakers will return to the Statehouse on Thursday to consider either an outright ban on gay marriage or letting the state's constitution remain intact.

I've been thinking quite a bit about this lately, and now I am looking at how it would apply to me, specifically, as opposed to civil rights in general.

I never had a desire to be married legally. Never dreamed of "the big wedding" ceremony. Never, ever, wanted it to be in any sort of church, or have any religious connotations. Would have fought tooth and nail against that. I think that my Mom's two very painful divorces and the lack of commitment I saw in people in general (divorce, adultery, etc.) really just turned me off of the whole process. Plus, being the quintessential "outsider" and "rebel", I probably would have preferred something different from the regular norms. I never thought of the legal aspects because I never had anything of monetary value to worry about, and health decisions didn't matter because I was young and healthy.

Now I do. I could lose the house if I married with out some sort of pre-nup. And this bothers me on some level, that I would worry about money in the face of love. Cheapens it somehow.

The only person I would have married is Kristin- we did exchange rings at one point and I did consider myself "married" to her. I made that commitment to her in my heart, that is why the ending of that relationship was so incredibly devastating to me. (although in the past week she has been back in my life again, it apparently will never end because I lack the strength to tell her to "fuck off" once and for all, and I'm not sure I want to do that. God help me. I don't want to get into that now. One day at a time.)

My point being, they can never take away what is in the heart. They can pass all the laws they want. I will still be "gay". Gay folks will still be in committed relationships. They can't change that. I get the impression that they think if they pass discriminatory laws they will do away with homosexuality. Not gonna happen.

"Marriage" is in the heart, not the bank account.

We will still fight on. For me, I may never be legally married, and that's OK with me. I still prefer to be on the outside of "normal".