Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A new drug trial starts for Pfizer - Stuparanoxia



ANN ARBOR (Snark News Service)- In a surprise move following yesterday's stunning announcement of the closing of Pfizer's research facilities in Ann Arbor, scientists have agreed to conduct an emergency drug trial on human subjects.



One psychologist, who wished to remain anonymous, told reporters that a new subset of paranoia had been recently classified by researchers. "Demchosis" is growing so strong and fast amongst Detroit area members of the media that the usual preliminary testing has been waved and clinical trials will start immediately on members of the Detroit News editorial staff.



"We thought that we had an isolated case of standard paranoid delusions directed towards the governor of the state of Michigan, or, as we had tentatively labeled it, 'Unidemchosis', and we were studying that condition with the hopes of finding a better understanding as to how it originates, with movement towards applying a drug treatment in the future.



But today's editorial by the News attacking Senator Debbie Stabenow indicates that the condition is now growing to encompass all Democratic politicians, and we feel that emergency measures must be taken to avoid the possibility that members of the Detroit press might become a danger to themselves or others."



The drug Stuparanoxia, coined from the terms "stupid", "paranoid", and "obnoxious", was in the development stages at Pfizer, but now has been rushed into limited production for this trial.



"We feel the genesis of this condition started in 2001, with the random blame of 'liberals' and 'feminists' for all of the nation's problems, but now the delusions are becoming specifically targeted to individual Democratic politicians, indicating that the condition is growing in intensity and severity.



To accuse and imply that Senator Stabenow's investigations into the practices of the multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical industry will somehow drive 12,000 jobs out of Michigan borders on the absurd, and the constant use of the word 'attack' indicates a certain predisposition to believe that the politician is doing this on purpose with the sole intent of hurting others. That is the classic definition of paranoia.



Financial experts have indicated that the restructuring of Pfizer's operations are due to patents on popular drugs expiring and projected loss of revenue in the near future. We all know that this is about the bottom line. For the Detroit News to make this leap in convoluted logic and start blaming negotiations for lower drug prices, non-existent price controls, and the ever-popular and easy target of trial lawyers, is quite stunning, but not entirely unexpected given how they have treated Governor Granholm. You could see it coming. Their constant ability to avoid the facts of any given situation is legendary."



Members of the Detroit News editorial staff could not be reached for comment as they were under going physicals to rule out such possibilities as brain lesions and other conditions that might explain their behavior.



"If the trial is successful here in Michigan, we hope to expand the research to include members of Fox News. A cure for Demchosis would then be made available to the general public. We feel this would be a welcome advancement in the treatment of a condition that has plagued Americans who, through no fault of their own, have been afflicted by this condition after repeated exposure to conservative news sources."



Results of the testing are expected to be made available by summer.