Monday, February 18, 2008

Sucks to be a Michigan Republican

Yes, we're all bummed out about the Michigan Democrats and the primary/caucus situation. It has sucked all the oxygen out of the room for months now as we argue back and forth with no solution to the situation in sight. When you put that together with the endless stories about Kwame Kilpatrick, nothing is very much fun right now as we seem to just keep spinning our wheels on the same patch of ice.

Well, time to sit up, put that smile back on your face, and remember why we still have it made in spite of all of those problems - we aren't Michigan Republicans.

Whew. Count those blessings. We got that going for us.

The Michigan Republican Party kicked off its convention here this weekend with a prayer to "deliver us from liberalism and secular humanism" and for "the election of conservative Republicans."

It's unclear whether the Almighty will be offering any aid come November, but the GOP will need some sort of help if it's to endure what is shaping up as a difficult 2008 election season.

"We're definitely on the defensive," said Michael Brown, an assistant prosecutor from Monroe and one of the 3,000 or so local activists milling around the convention floor at the Lansing Center. From those grass-roots Republicans to the top of the state party leadership, there were acknowledgements that a number of factors point to a challenging year.


From favored son Mitt dropping out, to the laughable candidacy of Jack Hoogendyk, to having to defend the undefendable records of Walberg and Knollenberg and Cliff Taylor, to the begrudging support for John McCain, who they never liked anyway, it must be so hard to be in Republican shoes this year. The heart aches as you watch them cling to the very denial that got them to where they are now, wondering why the magic phrases don't work anymore.

But, they keep trying anyway, because obviously, it's the media's fault!

There were those who criticized the media -- such as Hoogendyk, now the only declared challenger to Levin after former state lawmaker Andrew Raczkowski bowed out last week.

"The political pundits and the talking heads, they're telling us that the Republicans can't win in the fall," he said, singling out "the big shots down at the TV stations and the networks."


That's why our policies have failed; the media didn't report that they are a success! Must be it! People really want extreme right-wing ideology!

Others refuse to believe that voters will choose Democrats over the tax cuts, conservative social stances and hawkish foreign policy Republicans will offer.

"I'm not ready to give up any ground to the Democrats," said Walberg, who faces a tough challenge from state Sen. Mark Schauer. "We have a philosophy that voters will prefer. If we communicate that well, we will do well."


Endless war! Tax cuts for the rich! The government on your telephone, in your doctor's office, in your bedroom, deciding how you should live your life at every turn! After all these years of George Bush and the "conservative" agenda, it's obvious that people want more of the same, right?

Well, then why so depressed, Michigan Republicans?

Turns out one person has ruined everything for them. Find out who over the flip... but you probably can guess already, can't you?

There is one who stood in the way of all their goals, one who thwarted all of their plans, one so powerful that she has charmed media personalities like Tim Skubick and Dawson Bell and Nolan Finley into mindlessly promoting the liberal agenda, one who has been so popular that those far-left presidential candidates are now hoisting the liberal flag as high as they possibly can, and the voters, the voters!, well, they are so gullible that they have fallen under this spell, brainwashed once again!

Damn, she's good. And it started long ago...

Now as then, the media ignores the philosophy of the Democrat candidates and focuses instead on their good looks, their great speaking styles, and their ability to excite a room full of liberals.

Now as then, the mainstream media keeps telling voters how important it would be to elect a President who breaks the gender or racial barrier instead of focusing on the positions of the candidates on the issues vital to America’s economic and national security.

It is almost a carbon copy of Michigan in 2002.


2002. Because we don't want to mention 2006. 2002 was the year it all came apart for the Republicans because the voters were too stupid to realize they were being tricked.

Oh please, stick with that theme. Please. People love being told they are idiots.

In 2002, Michigan voters chose style over substance. They chose to make a statement about gender instead of voting the most qualified person into the Governor’s office.

The media and the voters decided it would be fun to have a glamorous Governor who could give a good speech, instead of a hard working Governor who would provide the leadership Michigan needed to be strong.


Damn you Tim! And all you reporters out there! And you fun lovin' silly voters! It's all your fault! You are to blame!

Besides blaming you, we have to pull off the mind-numbing mental gymnastics of total hypocrisy by blaming the one we accuse of blaming! Look at what you made us do!

It should surprise no one that all of this started when Michigan elected Jennifer Granholm Governor.

Instead of leadership and new ideas we’ve got a Governor who spends all her time blaming someone else for Michigan’s problems. It’s Bush’s fault. It’s Engler’s fault. It’s Bishop’s fault, it’s Herbert Hoover’s fault. Fellow Republicans, the reality is of course simple. It’s Jennifer Granholm’s fault.


Wait, I thought it was the media's fault. Or the voters. And do we really have to drag Herbert Hoover into this once again?

So, pity the poor Michigan Republicans. Jennifer Granholm has absolutely destroyed them. The glowing media reports and high approval ratings are testimony to this fact. There is obviously no stopping her now.

Sucks to be a Follower of the Saul. If all you had to hold onto were delusional rants, failed ideology, and bitter denial from your party's leaders, you'd be depressed too.