Monday, January 05, 2009

Granholm Mentioned as Possible Queen of England

In a surprise move today, members of the Obama transition team indicated that Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm was on the short-list as a possible appointee for the position of Queen of England. Citing the Queen's advancing age and "desire to winter on Tortola", the president-elect has compiled a list of candidates and is currently running them though the vetting process, which includes such questions as, "Can you get used to driving on the left hand side of the road?", and, "How do you take your tea?" It is not known whether the governor's Irish ancestry, or frequent lapses into speaking only French, would present complications for the citizens of the island nation; calls placed to the country found that everyone had already retired for the evening.

Spokeswoman Liz Boyd dismissed reports that the governor would consider an offer. "The governor has repeatedly said that she intends to finish out the remaining two years of her sentence."

Boyd pointed to the "scapegoat vacuum" that would be created if the governor left Lansing. "Who would these people blame for our problems then? They might have to start looking in the mirror, and, with the exception of Mike Bishop who is only checking his hair, that is something they really aren't used to doing. The mass introspection and realization of their complete lack of character would cause a run on local psychiatrists that this town isn't prepared for."

MIRS news service in Lansing declared this a "PR victory" for Senator Bishop, but other members of the media who are currently sober weren't quite sure how that was possible, and were unclear as to what these endless rumors had to do with anything that's actually relevant to the current affairs of the state.

Other positions mentioned for the multi-talented governor have included: Attorney General, Secretary of Energy, Secretary of Labor, Secretary of Commerce, Secretary of Secretaries, judicial slots such as a spot on the Federal Bench, the Supreme Court or the TV show "The People's Court", quarterback for the Detroit Lions, replacement for Christine McVie on Fleetwood Mac's latest reunion tour, commander of the first manned space mission to Mars, and director of the upcoming 81st Academy Awards show.

Remaining Lions coaching staff, contacted at their current undisclosed location, downplayed scouting reports that indicate the governor "throws like a girl".

"That didn't stop Joey Harrington", officials said.

Neither Joey Harrington nor Queen Elizabeth II could be reached for comment at press time.