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Governor calls for mandatory drug testing of Michigan Legislature


(AP) LANSING - Governor Jennifer Granholm today called for mandatory drug testing of elected lawmakers after the Michigan House and Senate voted to eliminate one quarter of the state's general fund without a replacement plan.

"You would have to be completely out of your mind to engage in such reckless behavior. Are these guys high or something?" the Governor said after being informed of the legislature's actions.

Besides the inexplicable gutting of the state budget, suspicions were raised when it was discovered that all the potato chips were taken from the Capitol building vending machines, and the music of Pink Floyd could be heard coming from Sen. Majority leader Ken Sikkema's office. Mr. Sikkema would not allow reporters into the smoke-filled room, instead meeting them out in the hall after quickly shutting the door behind him. Smoking is not allowed in inside the Capitol building.

When asked why the legislature decided to take this action on the SBT, Sikkema giggled and said if lawmakers wait to repeal the tax until crafting a replacement "It'll never happen. It's too hard, silly." Further questions to Sikkema went unanswered as he was distracted by the gilded molding on the walls and couldn't concentrate on what was being said.

Sen. Alan Cropsey, R-DeWitt, was found sitting in the corner working on the knots he had tied in his shoelaces. He noted the SBT already was scheduled to end in 2009, and when lawmakers voted to repeal it four years ago, they did not specify replacement revenue.

"They didn't do anything about it, why should we? Why do we have to do it? They didn't," he said. "The vast majority of legislators here voted for that. Did you have a replacement in place for it? No. ... The SBT has got to go. We keeping losing businesses' jobs because the problem is that taxes are too high."

When informed that Michigan's business tax burden isn't especially heavy compared to other states, ranked 26th nationally in state business tax competitiveness, Cropsey became quite defensive.

"Why are you looking at me? Stop looking at me like that!" Cropsey cried as he hid his face behind his hands.

Rep. Jerry Kooiman was found sleeping on his desk surrounded by empty potato chip bags. When he finally woke up after repeated attempts, he blurted out at reporters, "What? Did she call me a coward again? She's the coward! I'm not a coward! I'm leaving office anyway, can't touch me, ha ha, suckers!" He then rolled over and went back to sleep. Constituents said they didn't notice much difference.

The Governor called for a check of the building's water to make sure the problem did not lie in the Lansing city water supply. After it was found to be normal, attention was turned to the legislators themselves.

Testing will begin next Monday.